Skyfall dreadful

Robert Blackford

I took a look at the new James Bond film recently as it came out on DVD. I grew up watching Roger Moore playing 007 and enjoyed Pierce Brosnan's portrayal of the character. To this day when the old versions come on with Sean Connery I still stop what I'm doing and renew my acquaintance with an old friend.

This new Bond, Daniel Craig.

Not so much.

I'm trying. I really am trying to relate to this Bond of the next generation, but it's just not working.

I heard that "Skyfall," the latest offering in the series, was the best Bond movie ever, so, despite feeling lukewarm over Craig's other offerings I was really looking forward to seeing the best Bond film ever.

Unfortunately watching the new Bond is like going to a restaurant that you know and love and finding a new chef.

One that can't cook.

And seems determined to poison you.

Okay maybe poison is too strong of a word. I didn't really feel my life was in danger but I didn't feel like I was watching a Bond film either.

At one point a character utters the phrase: "What were you expecting, an exploding pen? We really don't do that kind of thing anymore."

I was thinking to myself. "Don't do what? Have fun. We don't have fun anymore. I love exploding pens and cigarettes that shoot bullets and watches that are highly magnetized. It's a James Bond film for crying out loud."

Spoiler alert - Everything from here on out tells a lot of what happened during the movie.

This is how I would have had the last scene work out between Bond and his new boss.

M: "So I see in your last assignment you were assigned to protect a list of agents who were undercover worldwide. How did that work out?"

Bond: "I lost the list; it fell into enemy hands and several agents were killed."

M: "And then I see you took three months off work without leave and led everyone to believe you were dead."

Bond: "Uh, yes sir."

M: "And when you returned you failed your physical, your marksmanship test and your psychological evaluation."

Bond: "Yes."

M: "Then you took it upon yourself to whisk my predecessor out of protective custody to your house in Scotland?

Bond: "Yes. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

M: "And then she was killed?"

Bond: "Hey, I see where this is going. Maybe she wouldn't have died if you would have sent in some backup. When I told you to show him where I was, I kind of assumed that you would help me out a little instead of leaving me alone with an old gamekeeper to protect her against 30 armed men. You can get three helicopters out to a deserted island, but you can't find Scotland. How bad did you want the old lady's job anyway?"

M: "Security, can you please escort Mr. Bond out of the building?"

Bond: "Your security couldn't guard a man in a transparent cell."

Do we get that?

No. He gets assigned another mission. It's like having the bosses idiot son-in-law continue working with you. You don't know how he still has a job. Who gets their boss killed and still has a job?

It's fun to look back at when Bond breaks into M's house whining, "You should have trusted me to get the job done." Ironically Bond is going to get her killed off before the end of the assignment. Since when does Bond whine?

Somehow the coolest character in movie history has turned into a whining little loser.

I think you can easily make the case that the movie would have been better off without Bond in it. I mean M couldn't be any more dead by the end of it. Maybe he should have just stayed retired when he got shot off the train.

Do you remember the classic villians' lairs from the old Bond movies? There are impenetrable fortress castles, space stations, volcanos and many many more.

Where is this villian hiding?

A crappy looking deserted city.

I loved the scene where they are walking into the city. Evidently when all the people left they took all the street sweepers and brooms with them. There is debris all over the streets. I wonder if they had to walk a couple of blocks or a couple of miles.