Can Thor's naked butt unite a divided America? Yes. Yes it can.
I feel confident all Americans who see 'Thor: Love and Thunder' will come together as one and say: 'That Thor has one nice-lookin' tush, let me tell you. God bless America.'
My fellow Americans, we have an opportunity this weekend, a chance, as citizens of this sharply divided nation, to rally around the one thing that may yet unite us: a naked butt.
Not just any naked butt, of course. I’m referring to a much-anticipated rear-end reveal in the Marvel film "Thor: Love and Thunder," in which moviegoers will see the de-pantsed derriere of the mighty Thor, played by actor Chris Hemsworth and his butt.
“It was 10 years in the making that scene – kind of a dream of mine,” Hemsworth told Variety.
According to my wife and what I estimate to be approximately a bazillion people on the internet, it has been a dream of many to see the junk in Thor’s trunk.
And who can blame them? Hemsworth is an objectively handsome actor. One doesn’t need carnal motivations to admire what I assume is a chiseled keister. It’s like appreciating a statue, or an expertly crafted end table.
Promoting respect for all butts
I feel confident all Americans who see that particular scene in the movie will come together as one and say: “That Thor has one nice-lookin' tush, let me tell you. God bless America.”
Now of course, there exists the possibility that despite Hemsworth’s obviously diligent workout regimen and apparent allergy to carbs, his posterior is a hideous mess. It could be covered in crude spider tattoos or be half-cyborg. He could have an extra eyeball or ear on his backside. Anything’s possible.
But even in the event the big reveal isn’t all we had hoped, responding politely, so as not to hurt Thor’s feelings, will still bring us together. It might even open us up to thoughtful conversations about all butts being different and worthy of appreciation. #LoveUrButt
I realize some of you are wondering when exactly the cheese slid off my cracker and whether I’m an actual newspaper columnist or just a 12-year-old who hacked into USA TODAY’s system to see how many times he could type the word “butt.”
Butt I assu … sorry … But I assure you, I’m in control of all my faculties. And I truly believe I’m onto something with this “Thor’s naked butt saves America” idea.
The superhero's twin cheeks
To prove my theory has legs, I set up a highly scientific poll on my favorite scientific research website, Twitter.com. I posted the following:
“A quick poll. Thor's naked butt in the movie ‘Thor: Love and Thunder’ is the one thing that stands a chance of uniting this country.”
Respondents could answer either “Correct” or “Absolutely correct.”
Well, you won’t believe the results! 100% of respondents agreed Thor’s rump was sent here from Asgard to unite us. And more than 60% “absolutely” believe in the unifying power of the superhero’s twin cheeks.
Unite us in gluteus
The movie’s director, Taika Waititi, was asked about Hemsworth exposing his hindquarters and said this to Variety: “My whole thing was like, Chris works so hard, you’ve gotta show it off. Don’t cover it up with all these suits and the cape and stuff, it’s not fair!”
That’s right! It’s not fair. In a country with a storied and sexist history of discussing celebrity tuchuses, particularly those belonging to female stars, it’s time to celebrate a famous-male gluteus that makes us all feel maximus.
Thor has arrived – like a true god of thunder and, presumably, squats – to be the new caboose that steadies our country’s train, to help us join, hand in hand, and say: “Dang. You could bounce quarters off those buns. Nice work.”
This weekend, it’s my sincere hope we will set aside our differences, take off our ideological hats, stand proudly together and believe in something truly American: The admirable naked butt of an Australian actor pretending to be a Norse god in a big-budget comic book movie.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk