COLUMNISTS

A defense of Domino’s Pizza, which Italy has rudely rejected. More for me, please.

What a gift we offered the Italian people. It was like saying, 'Here is your marvelous culinary creation. We have made it better by adding pineapple and a lot of cheese. Enjoy.'

Rex Huppke
USA TODAY

At the risk of sounding hyperbolic, President Joe Biden must immediately use the full force of the U.S. government to condemn Italy for rejecting one of our nation’s most cherished creations: Domino’s Pizza.

The Michigan-based pizza company recently closed its remaining restaurants in Italy, ending a seven-year attempt to gain a foothold in the so-called birthplace of pizza. Italy's rejection of Domino’s is an affront to all Americans and to our proud national tradition of taking other nations’ cuisines, making them more fattening then marketing them using words like “MeatZZa."

We gave Italy the gift of Domino's. They turned their noses up.

According to a Bloomberg report, “The U.S. chain entered Italy in 2015 through a franchising agreement with ePizza SpA and planned to distinguish itself by providing a structured national delivery service along with American-style toppings including pineapple.”

What a gift we offered the Italian people. It was like saying, “Here is your marvelous culinary creation. We have made it better by adding pineapple and a lot of cheese. Enjoy.”

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Making pizza at Domino's.

And how did they repay our American generosity? By creating an environment too competitive for the delicious sameness of American chain pizza. According to Bloomberg, the Italians had already developed pizza-delivery technology, so Domino's delivery service was no great shake. (Who knew they were so advanced?) And the Italian people, it seems, have a preference for "mom & pop" restaurants, as if the local fare is the kind of thing people visit the country to enjoy. Ridiculous!

I can't believe Italian moms and pops drove our beloved Domino’s out of existence. GOOD LUCK FINDING PIZZA WITH HAMBURGER MEAT ON IT NOW, YOU FOOD SNOOTS!!

Domino's is my favorite pizza. And I live in Chicago.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. "Perdonami," my Italian friends. I just get very passionate when I write about my favorite pizza.

Candy corn was already an abomination. Then they made it hot-dog flavored.

I live in Chicago, the City of Broad Shoulders and Loud Opinions About Pizza. I’m not a native. I grew up in Florida, where the most popular regional dish is warm beer and regrettable life decisions.

You may need a fork and knife to dig into a Chicago deep dish pizza

Even as a transplant, I’m supposed to love deep-dish Chicago pizza. I don’t. I don’t even understand it. Pizzas are supposed to weigh considerably less than concrete slabs. You can fold time easier than you can fold a slice of Chicago-style pizza, and I believe even Italian-pizza purists would take one look and say, "Uffa! Orrible!" 

No righteous pizza fan can change my mind

Surrounded though I may be by righteous defenders of thick, fork-eaten pies, I am unafraid to declare my allegiance to Domino’s. The pizza is simple. It’s fast. It’s greasy.

Those are three of my favorite things.

I don’t have time to hear about “real pizza” from foodies who turn their noses up at ingredients that probably stretch the definition of “fresh.”

If Domino's tastes like cardboard, give me another slice of cardboard

“Ugh,” they say, “Domino’s crust is like cardboard!”

To which I say, “MORE CHEESE-COVERED CARDBOARD, PLEASE!”

Judge me harshly, I don’t care. I’ve had fancy, wood-oven baked pizzas. I’ve had New York slices. The former tastes burned, the latter requires me to travel to New York, and that sounds exhausting.

At the end of the day, I want to hop online and order a dough disk of yum-cheese that arrives so fast it gives me pause, then sit back and savor the likely edibleness of whatever it is I’m stuffing into my face hole.

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It makes my taste buds say, “Yay! Something salty and oily! Nothing else matters!” 

A foodie-driven pizza creation would make my tastebuds say, “Yay! Something … without enough salt that’s kind of oily and … What the hell? … Is there fig on this???”

The numbers don't lie. Italy will regret losing our great American pizza

There’s a reason Domino’s has more than 5,600 U.S. locations. The number of people like me is large. We contain multitudes (of Cali Chicken Bacon Ranch pizzas).

Italy can keep its lesser pizza. We Americans will hold fast to what’s ours.

And anyone who says Domino’s pizza tastes like the box it comes in has clearly never melted cheese on the box it comes in and then eaten it. It tastes fantastic.

Ciao.

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Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk