As Texas targets 'inappropriate' books, I say keep going: My list of what to ban next

These wholesome and treasured classics have no place in the minds of kids attempting to understand themselves and the world around them.

Rex Huppke

At long last, good, wholesome Americans are taking on the country’s most notorious dens of iniquity: school libraries.

Books that could be gateways to thinking are being challenged, marked with warning labels or pulled off school library shelves. Liberals, of course, are treating this perfectly reasonable censorship as if it's some hysterical faux-moral-panic. Well, I’ve got news for you, libs: There’s nothing hysterical about our faux-moral-panic.

Meet the latest book enemies

We have seen the enemy and, in the Keller Independent School District in Texas, it’s a graphic novel version of Anne Frank’s “The Diary of a Young Girl.”

A copy of the graphic novel version of Anne Frank’s "Diary of a Young Girl."

Salman Rushdie attack:A reminder that the pen is mightier than the knife

In the Collier County School District in Florida, more than 100 books have been slapped with advisory labels that read “this book has been identified by some community members as unsuitable for students.” One of them is the illustrated children’s book “Everywhere Babies” by Susan Meyers and Marla Frazee, featuring a couple of drawings of same-sex parents that might indoctrinate our children into believing it’s OK to love whom you love.

Texas leads the country in school district book banning

PEN America, a so-called "literary and free expression organization," put out a report in April detailing how successful we’ve been at protecting our children from knowledge. It found “1,586 book bans that have occurred in 86 school districts in 26 states between July 1, 2021 and March 31” and noted: “Texas led the country with the most bans at 713; followed by Pennsylvania (456); Florida (204); Oklahoma (43); Kansas (30); and Tennessee (16).”

Please don't show my kids anything that challenges their worldview

The last thing we need is to have our kids “learning” about “things” that might make them (or us) feel in any way uncomfortable or challenge our view of the world. We’re the victims here!

Want to get marijuana legalization right? Favor Black entrepreneurs.

These books are among those banned in school and public libraries around the country.

Things like gender identity, sexuality or (gasp!) critical race theory, which is a thing I definitely understand and can define, have no place in the minds of kids who are attempting to understand themselves and the world around them.

10 other books to ban IMMEDIATELY!

With that in mind, here are 10 other books that should be immediately BANNED from all school libraries.

1.  “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen. For starters, “pride” is a known LGBTQ term. And “prejudice” might make my white child feel guilt, which is an unacceptable emotion. So you want to expose my kid to both pride AND prejudice? I don’t think so! 

"Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen

2. “The Black Stallion” by Walter Farley. Clearly the liberals have found a way to sneak critical race theory into an otherwise decent story about a horse. 

3. “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Nice try, commies. 

4. “Invisible Man” by Ralph Ellison. Presumably another feminist attempt to silence American men. We will not tolerate such wokeness.

5. “It” by Stephen King. Oh, for Pete’s sake, the title is a darn pronoun. I see what you’re up to, Stephen King. We all know pronouns can lead young people to explore and eventually embrace their true identities. Not on my watch!

The 25th anniversary book cover of 'IT' by Stephen King.

6. “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway. Sounds like some kind of climate change propaganda. Add it to the burn pile.

7. “Moby-Dick” by Herman Melville. This one’s self-explanatory. 

8. “The Canterbury Tales” by Geoffrey Chaucer. Brimming with filth and perversion. Also promotes the acceptance of iambic pentameter, better known as “Satan’s rhyming pattern.”

Three copies of Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales."

9. “The Count of Monte Cristo” by Alexandre Dumas. Sounds both foreign and vaguely gay.

10. “Fahrenheit 451” by Ray Bradbury. A dystopian tale of a future America in which books have been outlawed and are rounded up and burned by “firemen” who enforce the laws and … on second thought, let’s keep this one.

More satire and humor columns from Rex Huppke:

A defense of Domino’s Pizza, which Italy has rudely rejected. More for me, please.

'Defund the FBI': Trump supporters calmly react to Mar-a-Lago search

Is 'wokeness' responsible for US and European heat waves? Absolutely.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: